It doesn't matter anymore.

The hardest part would probably be understanding me. I wish I could just take out everything from my mind and then play it out for you all. Its just so hard for me to explain. I think I will never find someone who's really really so 'me' but I hope that one day I will.

Falling in love is probably one of the worst things in life. Hearts get broken all the time. I've never wanted to..... But oh well, this is what love do to people.

Well.. Funny how it took me 17 fucking years to realize how scary the real world is. How truly fucking scary it really is.

Constantly feeling depressed over people who expect too much out of me and then ended up getting hurt. At the end of the day, the fault will always be on me. I hate it.

Sorry but if I don't like you, I really don't. You just have to stop trying... I mean it. Sometimes, I feel that things are always one-sided. omg ugh fucking confused

Sometimes, I really wish people would make up their mind. Like if you want this, you want it. Can't you be more...... clear of what you want?! I really dislike it when people spoil my plans, especially when I've prepared. Ok just by thinking of it, makes me really fed up.

Now I have nothing else to do. Seriously, I'm just sitting here waiting for the time to go... (Hoping that it will just fly past me quickly) I hate waiting, you see the word? HATE. Waiting makes me feel pathetic, I don't know why. It makes me feel like I'm waiting for something/someone that will not show or turn up. Or I'm like wasting time.

And then again, I'm letting a chance slip away if I don't.

Can I just go back to the days when I don't have to worry about anything? Please?

thoughts

Just a few things, I really want to say.

1. Sometimes, knowing the truth is better than not knowing anything. Its hard to accept the fact and it will take some time to get over it but its always better than being kept in the dark right? Well, they always say "Truth hurts but lies are worst."

2. Days like this, I just want to lay down in bed and set my mind free. It's always going on and on like a clock. Wonder when will be the time its gonna stop. It fucks my mind up so badly. Over thinking seriously kills.

3. Its funny how a person's mood can change so drastically just by saying a few words or hurling some insults. Words are like... grenades. Idk its too funny and sometimes I really wish I could just shut my emotions away, like whenever I want them gone.

4. I'm NEVER getting into a relationship, its gonna be real messy and I don't like messy cos in the midst, everything is gonna change. Nobody and nothing ever stays the same. At that point of time, somebody will have to start filling in the cracks, trying to mend the problem. Ok maybe not never.

5. I don't even want to try, to be honest.

6. Why don't we all have a cure for love just like they did in the book, Delirium. Where people's feelings are numbed after the cure and they will not feel a thing. No love, no hate. So simple. Why don't we?

7. There will always be people that we wish we didn't know. Yes, plenty of them. Not knowing each other is better that way.

8. Trying to keep my emotions and my own problems to myself from today onwards. Nobody really cares, really. I'm so sorry I've talked too much. I've let people know how fucking vulnerable I am and how I'm always so angry AND sad.

9. So I guess I will just bottle up? And one day, I will just let it out loud to a room full of nothing. Its better than a room full of people who doesn't give two fucks about what I want to say.

10. Life sucks and I will have fucking move on and live with it. Sometimes I wish people would just leave me alone.

11. Its also funny how some people are always blaming the society for everything. Like for insulting people who are not very good looking or people who are not skinny/slim/normal/whatever. Don't they ever realize that what makes the society are the people? We are the one who makes up the society, honey. Don't you guys ever get it???? Humans are the cruel ones, not the society. We are the one judging and insulting. And that will never change. Do you even remember a time when you're not judging?

Imagine a scenario, as a person with tattered clothings walked past you... You might not say it out loud but in your mind, you might prolly be thinking "Oh god, poor fellow. Look at his clothes! Ugh he stinks." I'm pretty sure many of you would think that way. Just as long as someone doesn't fit your own "criteria" of normal, you are bound to judge them. I'm sure.

What the actual fuck. Can people be more precise and honest? Just be fucking direct and say it to my face.

You know whenever I said I'm going to leave, I don't mean it. Its because I can't bear to but you know one day I WOULD. I can't just keep on holding on to something so fucking useless. I need to rely on my own. After this time, I want nothing to do with you. I'm sorry but I don't want this kind of life anymore. You just make me feel like I'm just a fucking burden to you. I'm sorry, once again. I didn't plan all these.

I lie because I've got pride. I don't want to know the truth and there you go, just hurling insults at me. I know I'm not great but I'm trying. But you just keep on pressurizing me. You think that can make me change? No. OKAY IT WILL NOT WORK.